Bonding with your baby often grows through ordinary moments: a feed, a cuddle, a nappy change or the sound of your voice. Some parents feel a rush of connection straight away. For others, that feeling develops gradually.
You do not have to feel a particular way on the day your baby is born. Caring for them and getting to know each other can continue while those feelings catch up. Here are five gentle ways to make space for that connection.
1. Try skin-to-skin contact when it is safe and comfortable
Skin-to-skin means holding your baby against your bare chest. It can support early bonding, warmth and feeding. Your maternity team can help you find a safe position after birth, including after a caesarean when you and your baby are well enough.
If you are separated for treatment or your baby needs extra care, ask the team how you can be involved. Talking, gentle touch and later cuddles still offer opportunities to connect.
During skin-to-skin contact, stay awake and keep your baby’s face visible, with their nose and mouth clear and their head and neck supported. Ask for help if you are drowsy, unwell or unable to hold them securely. If you need to sleep, put your baby on their back in their own safe cot or bassinet, or pass them to an awake adult. Avoid falling asleep together on a sofa or armchair.
Queensland Health explains skin-to-skin contact, and Red Nose explains safe sleep.
2. Use feeding time to get to know each other
Breastfeeding, bottle-feeding and mixed feeding all give you time to hold your baby close and notice their signals. Find a comfortable position, look at them when they are interested and talk softly if you feel like it.
Let feeding be responsive. Notice when your baby is ready to feed, needs a pause or has had enough. If you bottle-feed, hold your baby and the bottle throughout the feed; never prop the bottle or leave them to feed alone. Do not make them finish a bottle.
If feeding hurts or feels difficult, ask your midwife, child and family health nurse or a lactation consultant for help. The Pregnancy, Birth and Baby bottle-feeding guide has practical advice.
3. Notice your baby’s invitations, and their need for a break
When your baby is awake and settled, hold them close enough to see your face and try a smile or a few gentle words. Pause to see what they do. They may look at you, move or make a small sound.
You do not need to hold their gaze. Looking away, becoming fussy or changing their movements can mean they have had enough for now. Give them a quieter moment and try again later. Learning their signals takes time.
This back-and-forth attention is one way babies begin learning about communication. The Royal Children’s Hospital’s guide to interacting with your baby offers more examples.
4. Respond to crying, without expecting to solve every cry
Crying is one way your baby asks for help. Check whether they need a feed, a nappy change, rest or comfort. Responding with warmth helps build trust; you will not spoil a newborn by comforting them.
Sometimes babies keep crying even when you have tried everything. That does not mean you are failing to bond. If you are worried about their crying or they seem unwell, contact a health professional.
If you feel overwhelmed, place your baby on their back in their safe cot, step away briefly to calm yourself and ask someone you trust for help. Never shake a baby. If you fear you might hurt them, put them somewhere safe and seek immediate support from another adult or a crisis service.
5. Talk, sing or read in your own way
You can describe what you are doing during a nappy change, tell your baby about your day or sing a familiar song. Use whichever language feels natural to you. There is no special playlist or performance required.
Try following their lead: answer a little sound, wait, then respond again. Stop when they seem tired or want quiet. These small exchanges can fit into the care you are already giving.
Raising Children Network has more everyday ideas for connecting with a newborn.
If the connection is taking time
Bonding is not a test of how you gave birth, how you feed or how quickly you felt love. Babies can form close relationships with more than one caring adult. Letting a partner or another trusted person help gives them time to connect too.
If you are worried about your feelings towards your baby, talk with your GP, midwife or child and family health nurse. Seek support early if you feel persistently low, numb, anxious or unable to cope. You do not have to wait for things to become worse.
In Australia, you can call Pregnancy, Birth and Baby on 1800 882 436 for guidance from a maternal child health nurse, or PANDA on 1300 726 306 for perinatal mental health support. PANDA is not a crisis service. For immediate crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, available 24 hours a day. If you or your baby are in immediate danger, call 000.
Further information: Pregnancy, Birth and Baby on bonding and Healthdirect on postnatal depression.
For help making room for rest and support at home, see our guide to getting ready for your baby.